For family, friends and carers
If you’re worried about someone, you’re already helping by learning more. You don’t need to have all the answers or be an expert. Your care, patience and support can make a big difference to their recovery.
Starting the conversation
It’s best not to ‘watch and wait’: getting help early leads to better outcomes. Before you talk, learn a little about eating disorders and their signs, and think about how they might feel. Many people feel scared, ashamed or embarrassed, or don’t see that anything is wrong.
- Choose a private, calm time, just the two of you. Avoid meal times, or when either of you is tired, upset or rushed.
- Use “I” statements, such as “I’m worried about you”, rather than “you” statements, which can sound like blame.
- Talk about how they seem, such as stressed, tired or withdrawn, rather than their food, weight or appearance.
- Listen more than you talk. Thank them for sharing, and let them know it’s safe to talk to you.
- Offer to help them get support, such as booking a GP appointment or going with them.
Things you could say
- “I’ve noticed you seem really stressed lately, and I’m worried about you.”
- “I care about you. Is anything going on that you’d like to talk about?”
- “You don’t have to go through this on your own. I’m here, whenever you’re ready.”
- “Would it help if I came with you to see a GP?”
What helps, and what doesn’t
Try to
- Be patient. It may take more than one conversation
- Stay calm, kind and non-judgemental
- Separate the person from the illness: they are not their eating disorder
- Spend time together doing things that have nothing to do with food
- Remind them of who they are and what they enjoy
- Encourage professional help, and keep offering support
- Only promise what you can really do
Try not to
- Comment on their weight, size, shape or what they eat, even to praise them
- Talk about dieting, ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods, or your own body
- Blame them, argue or try to force them to eat
- Offer quick fixes like “just eat normally”
- Overwhelm them with information all at once
- Try to diagnose them, or make it your job to fix things alone
- Promise to keep it a secret if their safety is at risk
If they say they’re fine, or get upset
It’s very common for someone to deny there’s a problem, or to feel angry or hurt when it’s raised. This is part of the illness, not a sign you did it wrong.
- Try not to take it personally. Stay calm, and don’t argue.
- Let them know you’re there, and that you’ll be ready to talk whenever they are.
- Try again another time. Keep caring and keep offering support.
- Get advice for yourself. The Butterfly Helpline can help you plan your next conversation.
If you think they’re in danger, for example they’ve fainted, have chest pain, are confused, or have talked about suicide, call 000 or go to your nearest emergency department. If you’re worried about your child, book a GP appointment as soon as possible, even if they don’t want to go.
You don’t have to wait to get advice
Family, friends and carers can call the Butterfly Helpline on 1800 33 4673 too, for advice on what to say and where to find help.
Looking after yourself
Supporting someone with an eating disorder can be tiring, worrying and lonely. Your wellbeing matters too, and looking after yourself helps you keep supporting them.
- Butterfly FoundationThe Butterfly Helpline (1800 33 4673) supports family and friends as well as people with an eating disorder, and Butterfly runs free online support groups for carers. How to approach someone
- Eating Disorders Families Australia (EDFA)A national organisation for families and carers, started by parents. Free online support groups (including for ARFID), peer support and free counselling for carers. edfa.org.au
- National Eating Disorders Collaboration (NEDC)Tips on having a conversation and finding support.
- Your own GPYou can talk to your own GP about how you’re coping. They can refer you for support of your own.
Common questions
Is it my fault that someone I love has an eating disorder?
No. There’s no evidence that parents or families cause eating disorders. They develop from a mix of genetic, psychological and social factors. Families are often a key part of recovery, and family-based treatment is one of the most effective treatments for young people.
What if they say nothing is wrong?
This is very common. Stay calm, don’t argue, and let them know you care and are there when they’re ready. Try again another time, and get advice for yourself from the Butterfly Helpline (1800 33 4673).
Should I comment on what they eat or how they look?
It’s best not to, even with praise. Comments about food, weight or appearance can make things harder. Focus on how they’re feeling and on time together that isn’t about food.
What can I do if they’re an adult and don’t want help?
You can’t force an adult into treatment, but you can keep caring, keep the conversation open and offer practical help, like booking or going with them to a GP. If you think they’re in danger, call 000.
Where can carers get support?
The Butterfly Helpline (1800 33 4673) and Butterfly’s online carer groups, Eating Disorders Families Australia (free carer support groups, peer support and counselling), and your own GP.
Recovery is possible ❤️
With the right support, people recover from eating disorders at every age and stage.